This has been one of the hardest years. There was heart break, changes...hard changes and new beginnings. It began in the Summer of last year. Well let me back up a little. Rod and I had been talking about adding on to our family for...well since forever (or at least when "our baby" stopped being a baby). We always had lots of excuses. Our kids are older. We would be starting over. We need to change insurance. Can we afford it? You know the drill. But last Summer we finally just decided to go for it. God had put the desire in our hearts and we decided to just trust Him.
Things moved fast I guess you could say and about a month later (July 3rd to be exact) I texted a picture to hubs of a stick with 2 blue lines. He was beyond excited! It was cute really. I was excited as well but there was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I figured it was just jitters. I mean it had been seven years since I had done this baby thing. So we started to tell a few people our happy news!
 |
| Our trip to Colorado in July. |
We went on a trip and a few days after we returned I had my first doctor's appointment. We went in for the ultra sound and all the technician was able to see was a fetal sac. The doctor explained to us that it could just be too early to see a heart beat and asked us to return in a week.
As I look back, I don't know why this didn't concern us, but it didn't. We just knew everything was fine. We even sent a text to our family announcing the news. In hind sight...not sure this was a great idea.
At our next appointment, when we still saw no heart beat, reality set in that there was a problem. To sum up the next few weeks, it was a roller bcoaster of hope and dissapointment. Next was blood work and more blood work and another appointment. We asked family and friends to pray and we were just doing our very best not to worry and to trust God. After a third ultrasound showed only a fetal sac still at the six week development stage we knew our little guy never got a chance to even form.
The diagnosis was a blighted ovum. There was never an embryo, never a heart beat. We believe completely that life begins at conception and although I don't understand everything I know that there was life in my womb. A life that brought great excitement for those few weeks and a life, when realized that it had ended, brought much grief.
We were heart broken. There was a lot of crying, a lot of praying. We didn't understand why God said no but we did trust Him. That never changed. You see, when you walk a while with God by your side, you get to know Him, you develop a relationship with Him. And there is this deep rooted knowing inside that whatever happens is truly for good.
(Romans 8:28) We don't have to understand the why or how or when. We just know that God's love will sustain us and his mercies are new everyday.
Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”
Lamentations 3:22-24 (NKJV)
The next month was really hard and long. We decided to let nature take its' course instead of having any medical procedures done. It took a while and during the whole process I grieved, hard. I went through a vast array of emotions. I was angry, hurt and broken.
I was a little bit of a mess for a few days. He never left. God's love was so very present. His unexplainable peace was palpable. (Philippians 4:7) Peace that allowed me to not need all the answers. To know that it's ok to be sad and grieve, but also to know that healing will come.
Beauty does come from ashes.
I had been here before. Several years ago, before our oldest was born, I miscarried my first pregnancy at 12 weeks. I was devastated. It was as hard then as now. But what I learned and how my faith was strengthened was very different. I think that with each trial, each experience in this life, God is teaching us, growing us to maturity in Him. This is how a trial is a blessing. Sometimes the things learned are so deeply personal that putting it into words is hard.
With that first miscarriage I experienced the deep healing of God's hand. I've taken this with me through many hard times since then. Turning to God for healing instead of letting the hurt grow, get ugly and causing bitterness.
But this time my faith grew immensely. This gift of grace from God is a deep knowing that God is sovereign, that He's in control completely and I can rest in that, trust in that. He sees the whole picture. He knows what's coming and what needs to take place. He's the potter. We are His clay.
The forming doesn't stop until God says our time here on earth is finished. There's always a new challenge around the corner, a new opportunity for spiritual growth. Little did I know our next opportunity was closer that we thought.
