When the Answer Is No

Being a christian is not about getting what we want, when we want it.  We don't accept the free gift of salvation so that we can use God like a genie in a bottle, rubbing it and making our wish, thinking what we ask for we will get.  It doesn't work that way.

Sometimes I pray, asking God for the thing I want and His reply is, "No, my girl. Just trust me."

That's what faith is.  Trusting God in all things.  Not just some of the things...the things that go our way.  But even in the hard things.  When we don't understand.  When we can't make a bit of sense out of it.  We still desire His will and His plan more.

I've had a disappointment this week.  Things didn't go the way I had hoped.  I'm sad and heart broken.  My good, good Father is compassionate.  He is grieving with me.  Think about this...

Lazarus died.  His sisters, Mary and Martha were heart broken.  Jesus finally shows up after they had tried to get him there before Lazarus died.  They knew that Jesus could have healed him.  Jesus had another plan.

When Jesus saw the sisters weeping, he wept.  "Jesus wept."  This, probably the shortest verse in scripture, says so much about the character of our Lord.

Why did he weep?

It wasn't because he had lost a friend who he loved dearly.  He knew all along that He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead.

"This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it." John 11:4

"Our friend Lazarus sleeps, but I go that I may wake him up." John 11:11

Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again." John 11:23

He wept out of compassion.  He wept because those he loved wept.

He weeps with you.  He weeps with me.  But he has a plan.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

To know God is to love Him.  To love Him is to trust Him.  In all things.

So today I'm counting my blessings and they are many...

Yesterday morning I had decided to just stay in bed, pull the covers up over my head and have my own "pity party" as my daddy would say.  But then, through the monitor I hear a little voice calling for me and I knew I was needed.  I got myself up, made two sippy cups of milk and turned Mickey on.  Then I roused two big boys out of bed and continued to do the things mamas and daddys do.

I was thankful.  Thankful for all four of them.  Without even knowing it they kept me from feeling sorry for myself.  They reminded me how blessed I truly am.

Nostalgia And An Update

Sometimes I believe that what I’m doing is serving others.  Making a difference in someone else’s life. But what happens is I’m changed.  The difference is made in my own heart. 

God has called us to help the widow and the orphan but in getting caught up in the calling, the doing, we might not see that He is growing us. Until the moment we do and it takes our breath.

This is what I’m learning, especially the past year through fostering.  It was a year ago…the Tuesday after Labor Day when those first two brown headed babies walked into our lives and changed us forever.

 

As we cared for them, loved them, our hearts broke over and over again.  Realizing where they came from and how great their needs were.  We were stretched and changed.  I read this on another blog not long ago and thought it was so elegantly put:

Our high calling is the spaces our heavenly Father grows us into as we realize we were made for more.  We weren’t made for happiness, or comfort, or ease.  We were made to look like Jesus…Everything is woven together to achieve that purpose.

*****************************************************************

To update on our foster journey since, yes, it has been a while since I blogged.  Little Boy and Little Girl left our home in April.  They are doing great.  We’ve had them over several times for lots of snuggles and fun with the addition of their Big Sister.  We’re still praying for their situation because not all is resolved yet.  God is still in control of their story and I’m trusting that!

In June after not having a placement for a little over two months, the cutest, snuggliest little guy came to stay.  He was from a county pretty far over so after only about 2 ½ weeks he left us.  It was hard to see him go and I think about him often and pray for him.  I’m thankful to have gotten to know him.

So then July passed and then most of August.  We got a couple of calls for little ones but they ended up not working out.  Then we got a call from some friends who are also foster parents.  They are moving and were not being allowed to take the two little boys they’ve had for about 10 months.  They asked if we would be willing to take them.  We said yes!

It’s sad for our friends to say goodbye to these precious boys who have become just like their own.  It’s sad that the boys are being uprooted and have to get used to a new home, a new family even a new daycare.  So, it’s less than ideal to say the least.  But so many things are in foster care.  But God is still in control and his timing is everything. 

The boys are absolutely precious.  They are 2 ½ and 15 months and I believe they are the reason our home has been open for so long.

So…Rod and I are going on a trip for our anniversary that was in August.  When we return, we will pick up these sweet boys and for however long they need us, we will be a family of four boys.  Oh goodness!  The wrestling and horse playing that are in my future…

First day of school.  Sixth and Fourth Grade.

It’s hard.  It’s amazing.  We hurt. We’re broken. We cry. We laugh.  We love. We give.  And through it all we have the amazing privilege of seeing a glimpse of God’s glory.

Thankful Thursday - National Day of Prayer

 

On this day, our nations National Day of Prayer, I'm thankful for prayer.  That we can bow our knee, and our hearts to the God of the universe, the Sovereign Lord, and talk with Him.  We can ask Him anything.  Tell Him anything. 

We can even be honest and broken. 

Can I get an amen?

How often do we try to pretend and pray a "holy" prayer to God?  Who are we kidding?  Let's just be honest with Him.  He knows how we're feeling anyway.  We might as well say, "God I know you're good.  I know that you love me.  But I'm just not feeling that way right now.  I don't like what's going on and I'm just mad (or sad or aggravated...)."

He wants communion with us and let me tell you we NEED communion with Him.  We can be friends of God.  The bible says this in John 15:13-15...

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.

Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.

 

I'm so thankful today for the freedom to have personal prayer and the freedom to still pray in public, corporately.  And the fact that we still have a national day of prayer is a lot to be thankful for. 

In an age where there isn't a whole lot of promise for man kind in general it's amazing to know there are people who still believe in prayer and a nation who recognizes that.

Talk to God.  He's there and ready to listen.  I promise.

From My Playlist: Trials...can they be blessings?

Struggles, hard times and difficult situations are all around us. We are either struggling with a problem ourselves or know someone who is. 

Sometimes, as believers, we pray asking God to take care of a situation and we feel like our prayers are hitting a brick wall and bouncing back to us. We feel like there is no change in the situation and God isn’t there. 

Other times, we see God answer our prayers.  We see the amazing way he works things out.

But today, it’s the times we don’t see the answer that I’m thinking about.  In these times, it might be that victory comes in getting to the point that we can give it completely to God.  To rest.  To trust Him.  To know that he will have his way and his ways are good.

Sometimes the trials bring us closer to God.  We don’t choose them, but we can look back and see God’s hand in them.

God always has a reason for the struggle; the trial.  We aren’t promised tomorrow and we aren’t promised a life without trouble.  However, we are promised that he will never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5), He knows the plans he has for us, to give us a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11), that if we pray about everything the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard our hearts and minds (Philippians 4: 7), that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13) and so much more…

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

Doxology

Doxology, simply put, is an expression of praise to God.  Scripture is filled with doxologies.  The author is usually writing along on whatever the topic and the goodness of God seems to overwhelm them and they stop to praise Him in their writing. 

It’s an overflow of praise that comes from knowing the truth of God.

One example was in our Sunday School lesson yesterday morning.  We were studying I Timothy, chapter 6 and the main theme is contentment.  Oh that’s a hard one that we’ve probably all struggled with at one time or another and I’m not going there today.  But my favorite part of the lesson was the doxology we touched on at the end of class.

In 1 Timothy, chapter 6, Paul is instructing Timothy on doctrinal truths and then he interjects praise to God.  The truth of God and his goodness caused Paul to stop and give Him praise and recognition.  To recognize the reason He was writing the letter to Timothy in the first place and the reason they should live their lives “keeping the commandment without spot”.  He writes in verses 15b-16:

He who is the blessed and only Potentate, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone has immortality, dwelling in unapproachable light, whom no man has seen or can see, to whom be honor and everlasting power.  Amen.

This is true worship and it comes from knowing the truths of God.  Knowing what God’s word says and it being written on your heart.  Because when you think on these things it causes a response…a response of praise and worship.

I can think back to so many doxological moments in my own life.  Sometimes His goodness stops me in my tracks and I have to just sit in awe of him or throw my hands up in worship or weep with joy because of his love; his mercy.

I attended a ladies service this past weekend and we sang a song I haven’t sang in a long time but it is perfect for what I’m saying today:

When I think about the Lord
How He saved me, how He raised me
How He filled me, with the Holy Ghost
How He healed me, to the uttermost

When I Think about the Lord
How He picked me up and turned me around
How He placed my feet on solid ground

 

It makes me want to shout
Hallelujah, Thank you Jesus
Lord, you're worthy of all the glory and all the honor
And all the praise.

Be reminded today of the goodness of the Lord and what he’s done in your life.  Stop and give him praise for it.  He’s worthy!

ALL sin

It seems to me that many of us have some trouble accepting forgiveness for all of our sins.  We have no problem telling others (and believing it) that God will forgive them of all their sins when they put their faith in Jesus.  So how come we struggle with being forgiven ourselves?

I think it could be for the same reason we struggle with forgiving others.  Because when we accept forgiveness from God or give forgiveness to others it feels like we're saying,  "what I did was ok.  what they did to me was ok."  It wasn't ok.  It was sin.

Forgiveness doesn't mean the sin was ok to do, it just means you don't have to pay for that sin.  You owe nothing for it.  Jesus paid all the debt owed.

Jesus, in all his Godness and righteousness, willingly gave his life as a perfect sacrifice to pay the debt of all sins.  For all who will believe.

When we do not accept forgiveness for that one sin that just seems so overwhelmingly big, are we saying what Jesus did was not enough for that sin?  How arrogant is that?  Jesus, the son of God.  The perfect plan of God to bring salvation to the world wasn't enough?

My friend, my brother or sister, NO sin is bigger that what Christ did on the cross.  

None of us are worthy, no not one.  We are all sinners.  Romans 3: 10 We are all in the same situation and the penalty of sin is death and hell.  But, the good news is, the best news is, Christ paid the penalty and is offering to give us his cloak of righteousness in exchange for our dirty filthy cloak of sin.

For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. ~2 Corinthians 5:21

Just like that.  Believe.  Put your faith in Jesus Christ.  Repent of your sins and get to know God.  He loves you.  He's waiting for you.

If you've been a believer for a while but can't let go of that one sin or if you struggle with putting your faith in Jesus and believing that your sins can really be forgiven, my prayer is that you realize now that your sin isn't bigger than what Jesus did and let it go.  (sorry if I put that annoying song in your head :)  When you do that, you will truly be free.  Freedom in Christ is just that, a sinner who is forgiven.  Live your life free from your sin.  Not perfect.  Not without hard times.  Not without sin.  But free from the penalty of sin.

Us on Christmas Day.
Missing two beautiful Littles that I wish I could share.

Why?

I'm a mess guys...  My emotions have been all over the place and I'm going to write about it.  Writing has always been a sort of therapy for me, however I may regret how publicly I am going with my therapy.  But, at the same time, I always come back to if what I write can help someone who may be going through a similar circumstance then putting myself out there is well worth it.

This morning was a typical Marvelous Monday morning.  My big boys go to school with my sister a little before me and I take the Littles to day care later on.  Of course I was running late (being Marvelous Monday and all) and knew that the only way they would get some breakfast in them was cheerios in the car.  I gave the littlest princess hers in a snack cup and the little guy his in a ziplock bag.  I put the bag of cereal on the side between the car seat and his leg hoping that this would prevent him from spilling it. 

We start to head down the road and I look in the rear view mirror.  I see big brown eyes starting to brim with tears, a pouty lip and a broken heart and something in me snaps.  I sob. 

Little boy is sad because he thinks that by putting the cereal on the side instead of in between his legs that I've said he can't have it.  I see below the surface of the cereal and see a broken spirit, a wounded heart and I break. 

I'm so angry!  I want to beat the air with my fists and shout out "why?" at the top of my lungs.  Why do these little ones have to deal with the ugliness of this world?  They didn't ask for this.  Why do people hurt and wound the ones they should love?  It isn't right.  It isn't fair!

While this has been building up for days within me; the frustration, the impatience, the anger, I know in the core of myself why.  Are any of us really any different than these little ones, than their parents?  The reality is we are all filthy sinners in desperate need of a loving saviour.  We are all wounded in one way or another. 

Some of us choose to accept the free gift of salvation, a regenerated life, the bridging of the gap between ourselves and God.  While others do not, have not yet...

But even when we do know the Lord and have a relationship with Him, there are still the why's, the frustration, imperfection and sin we deal with daily.  But we have a peace in the midst of the storm, He is called our anchor.

I heard a song I had never heard before today and these words jumped out.  They were exactly what I needed to hear:

I could throw my fist in the air demanding answers
But in spite of all the questions
I’m still giving You my life
And if it doesn’t turn out like I think it should
It doesn’t change the fact You’re always good

As long as we are in this fallen world, there will be evil, awful things.  But knowing Jesus is knowing hope.  Trusting Him is trusting all His ways.

I think this fostering journey is changing me more than the little guys.  Most days I'm a super big mess in need of a whole lot of grace.  But I know that this is what God has put before us.  This is who God brought to us.  Two little wounded lives.  I believe in time He is healing them and me...

I don't often ask for help, but today I'm asking for prayers.  If you read this and believe in the power of prayer, please mention us before our Heavenly Father.  And if you have a need, please comment and let me know and I will be glad to pray for you as well. 

We aren't meant to walk through this life alone.  Be blessed!  You are loved by an amazing God!

Broken to Beautiful: Part 4



 

Sweet homemade Valentine from my guys.

So the beginning of the last part of this story started around March of this year.  We were going through a very hard change (read part 3 here) and we were praying about whether or not to try again to have a baby.  The doctor had told us, once again, that he saw no reason why I couldn't have a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.  However, a huge part of me didn't want to go through that loss again.  So there was that and we were just really hurting about leaving our church when we got a dinner invitation.

The invite came from a great couple who we knew, had grown up with and been around in different seasons of our lives, but had never really hung out with a whole lot.  (If that makes sense...) It was a random invitation orchestrated by God.

The dinner was good and just what we needed.  We had so many things in common (we were going through very similar situations) that I believe we were able to minister to one another.  God is pretty amazing like that.  He always brings exactly who and what you need at exactly the right time.

That night in some of our conversations, it was randomly brought up that they had started the M.A.P.P. class.  M.A.P.P. stands for Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting and it is an 8 week class that is required for foster parenting and state adoption.  This sweet Godly couple said that they were gonna go through the class and see where God lead them.  They were saying that by taking the class it didn't mean you had to get licensed to foster but it was a step in that direction.  My sweet friend said, "Y'all should go to the next class with us.  You only missed the introduction, the first class starts this week."

We said OK and that we would think about it and that was it.  I honestly didn't think too much more about it.  You see, adopting has always been in the back of our minds, but fostering I shied away from.  I didn't think I could do it.  I didn't think I could deal with the hurt and loss that it would involve. 

The next couple of days my friend and I were texting and she mentioned the class again.  So I asked Roddy what he thought about just trying the class out.  I really thought he would say no not right now.  But, without much hesitation at all he said, "Yeah, let's try it.  What do you think?"  I said ok. 

So we went.  And listened.  And just like that our path was changed. Sometimes the ugly of the world is forgotten, kind of "out of site, out of mind".  Well this ugliness was in our faces.  It was as if God was saying, "Here are my little children.  They need you.  They need love.  They need Me.  What are you gonna do about it?"

We made a decision that first night.  I can't say it was a solid yes, (because this yes would definitely waver over the next months) but we knew there was no going back.  This was what God was asking us to do and it was up to us to obey.

There were a few details about taking this class that may not seem like a big deal, but for us it was the push, the green light, we needed to go forward.  First of all the class was held on Wednesday nights.  We had never been at a point in our lives where we weren't committed to church on Wednesday nights, but here we were, not committed and available.  Secondly, the childcare was provided.  The classes were held at a church with a good kids' program and our boys were welcomed.  Then, for the extra time the class went after church was over, more childcare was provided for us.  How awesome is that?

God opened this door for us, wide.  He worked out the details.  We just had to show up.  So we did,  week after week.  As I look back now, it was a good season for us.  God was using the time to heal us, to prepare us.



(Wedding fun in June.) 

By June, after mountains of paper work, two home visits, Craig's List purchases, one fire alarm, one new door knob, etc. etc....we had the class and the home study done.  All we had to do was wait for approval from the proper state authorities.

Now, I'm gonna be real and honest.  I'm the kind of person who has to think through every possible scenario, good and bad, to prepare my mind.  I needed to think through this whole foster thing and examine every crook and cranny of what could happen.  Needless to say I drove Rod crazy.  Countless times I would come to the conclusion that we couldn't do it.  There was just no way.  And every time Rod would remind me, no we can't do it.  But God can do it through us.  He was my good dose of perspective many times over (and still is).

July 4th gorgeous beach

 

Watching fireworks on the beach.

On July 24, I got a text that afternoon that said, "Congratulations, you are now a licensed foster home!"  I was excited, but I panicked.  Then I decided to breathe again.  I knew we had a trip coming up and we asked to not get a placement until after that trip.  So I knew I at least had a couple of weeks to finish prepping.

Us in St Louis

We went on our trip and came home.  I fully expected to have a placement the week we returned.  But over the next three weeks, we got probably four different prospective placement calls that didn't work out for one reason or another.

I now know that God was still preparing us for the two little people he had for us and late one September evening, in God's perfect timing, those two littles showed up at our home.  Four little arms were wide open thirsting for love.  Four little arms clinging to us with all the strength they had.  Two hearts needing to be rescued.

It has been a privilege these past few weeks.  An exhausting, very hard, overwhelming, emotional roller coaster privilege.  But, what an honor to be able to pour into theses little lives.  To love on them as much as possible, fight for them and pray over them daily. 

Precious little feet.

I'm not saying I have it all together, all the time.  There are moments of thinking we can do this and then moments where the fears and doubts creep in.  Sometimes, the only thing I have energy for is to say the name Jesus.  It's enough. 

Jesus, It's the name I whisper as I get them out of their beds in the morning and the last name I whisper as I put them down at night.  Because only He knows their story.  He is their rescuer. 

He has rescued me.  And everyday He makes the broken beautiful.

Broken to Beautiful: Part 3

It's been a while.  I was procrastinating again because it's hard.  But I need to finish this part of my story.  I need to get it all out to give God all the glory.  Join me?  Read the intro here, part 1 here and part 2 here.  Be Blessed!

Christmas 2013

It probably started about 2.5 years ago.  The gentle urging in our spirits.  The whisper from the Lord asking us to change, to step away from the familiar and the known.  What he was asking was something so difficult for the both of us, that we ignored it for a while.  When ignoring was no longer possible, we prayed.  We prayed for two years and then prayed some more. 

You see, this was one of those changes that we didn't want to get wrong.  We wanted to know that it was God's will for us.  After much prayer, many conversations and even more tears we finally said yes.  It was the hardest yes I've ever had to say to God and as a wife to my husband.

In January, we made the decision to leave our home church of about 20 years.  To say this was home is a gross understatement.  Rod and I met at this church when we were only youth, participating in youth mission trips and doing drama together.  We married there.  We had our babies while there and it was the only church they knew.  We've shared so many memories and made so many dear friends.  Friends that will forever be family.  A lot of our blood family attends and my dad is the Pastor.  It was home.  Leaving was one of the hardest, if not the hardest, things I've ever done.

Home is familiar and safe.  Home is where everyone knows you.  They've seen some of your good and some of your bad and they still love you.  Home is security and stepping away from that is scary.

There was also another very personal inner struggle I had going on inside of  me.  We had been the Worship Leaders for about 13 years.  That's pretty much our whole marriage.  Letting this go was extremely difficult for me.  I love to sing.  Leading others in worshiping our wonderful God is my passion.  But, He is my biggest passion and to obey Him I had to let this title go.

I couldn't let "worship leader" define me.  Because really what God has placed in front of us as a way to serve Him could change at any time.  Just because the way we serve changes, it doesn't change who we serve.  He is the same.  It's His love and saving grace that defines who I am.

So , I gave this to God and if He wanted me to lead worship again, I would and if not I would learn to rest in that.  Has it been easy?  No way.  But the bottom line is I trust God.  Period.

It's almost been eight months since we stepped out into the unknown and God has been faithful.  God has lead us to a new church home with loving and awesome people.  A place where we are growing and being challenged in our walks with God.  Rod is playing guitar and I am singing with the worship team.  Our boys are thriving and growing in their relationships with God. Roddy is also going to seminary school online.

We didn't leave our church because of a disagreement.  We weren't mad or upset with anyone.  We were following the leading of the Lord.  I am only saying this because that is the case with so many.  However, we were heartbroken, kind of like leaving home when I went to college.  I was excited for the next step but I cried myself to sleep that first night away from home.  With time that hurt healed and with time this hurt is healing. 

I praise God for those 20 years and will be forever grateful for those people who poured themselves into me so that I might be able to empty into others. My relationship with God was nurtured and grew.  I was blessed with many relationships that I will cherish forever. 

This was a big step we had to take that lead us to the next big yes for our lives.  In fact I think everything in our lives this far have lead us to this yes.  I will tell you all about it in part 4...

Broken to Beautiful: Part 2

I'm opening up a little and sharing a very hard piece of my story.  Want to join me?  Read the intro here.  And part 1 here.

My doctor told us we could try again to have a baby if we wanted.  He didn't see any reason that we wouldn't have a successful pregnancy.  So after some prayer, we decided to try again with renewed hope.

Once again, really soon, I had the positive pregnancy test.  But, this time things were different.  We wanted to be excited, but it was just too natural to protect our hearts and not let ourselves get too excited.  We hardly told anyone, but the few we did tell were praying with us. 

It was almost three weeks from the time I found out I was pregnant until I went to the doctor.  Those three weeks were a constant battle of my mind.  I tried to trust God and not worry.  I tried to just live life as if I wasn't pregnant at all (protecting my heart again). I worked at appearing normal to everyone around me.  All the while, I couldn't help myself, I got excited and started day dreaming about this new little person.  I thought about what he or she would look like and the smells and the little baby stretches (don't you just love those).  I even talked to this person I was dreaming of.  Of course I was alone and no one knew this but me.  I can't believe I'm confessing it now. :)

The day of my appointment came and I sat in the ultrasound room waiting with Rod by my side.  I'm not sure about him but every emotion imaginable was going on in me.  I was scared and nervous but there was hope and excitement.  I lay there and the technician began the process of searching for life.  My eyes were glued to the screen, searching for some little semblance of a heart beat, anything.  After several minutes of silence passed and I saw no tiny heart beating, I knew.  This was a repeat of last time.  I put my brave face on and decided right then that I was going to be strong. 

The technician doesn't really tell you much so we had to wait to see my doctor.  We waited.  Me with my brave exterior.  Rod with his sad somber face and eyes of concern that kept looking at me.  He knew it was coming even though I thought I was fine. 

The doctor came in and started talking.  I can't remember what he said exactly, I think it was something about our boys, but the flood gates opened and I lost it.  I couldn't have stopped if I wanted to and believe me I wanted to.  So much for my brave face.

It was another blighted ovum.  Another life halted before it even began.  But God knew.  He was never surprised by any of it.

It was November and I was doing 30 days of thankful on facebook.  As I look back I know God lead me to do this because being thankful for His blessings was my focus over the next month.  Being thankful was my lifeline that eventually helped bring healing. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

But on this day, we left the doctor and I sat in the car with tears streaming down my face and typed this on facebook: 

Day15: I'm thankful that my Father God will never leave me, He will go with me to the end. He knows the plans He has for me and His way is best. Even when it's hard and doesn't make sense I can trust His love, goodness and sovereignty. #30daysofthankful

As I said...lifeline.  He was and is the one who sustains me and He is always with us.  How amazing is that?!!

The next several weeks were pretty much a repeat of the first time, but as Thanksgiving approached I continued to focus on my blessings.  The timing of the season was no coincidence. 

Thanksgiving Day 2013
Roddy had to go to Mississippi with his dad to help clean out his grandpa's house.
We were missing him but happy to have each other and our family.

I had, and still have, so many things to be thankful for.  A  husband who loves me and is my best friend, two healthy, beautiful boys and family who is supportive and will walk through the fire, if needed, with me and the list could go on and on.  The truth is we all have things to be thankful for if we look for them.  And even if life is falling apart all around us we have this:

But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners,

Christ died for us.   Romans 5:8

 

That's enough.  In fact, it's more than enough...it's everything! I encourage you to read the whole chapter of Romans 5.  So good!

My babies, November 2013.  Go Noles!

Us for a short getaway, early December 2013

I learn more with each hard thing life brings my way that the pain, the hurt, it has a bigger purpose than just being hard.  God will always use it in some way when you are a believer allowing Holy

Spirit to guide you.  The trial changes you.  Makes us more like Him.  A little at a time. 

 

Sometimes God lets us understand some of that purpose and we get to see how all the pieces start to fit together.  I am seeing a little bit of that one day at a time.

 

Join me soon for part 3...

Broken to Beautiful : Part 1

This has been one of the hardest years.  There was heart break, changes...hard changes and new beginnings.  It began in the Summer of last year.  Well let me back up a little. Rod and I had been talking about adding on to our family for...well since forever (or at least when "our baby" stopped being a baby).  We always had lots of excuses.  Our kids are older.  We would be starting over.  We need to change insurance.  Can we afford it?  You know the drill.  But last Summer we finally just decided to go for it.  God had put the desire in our hearts and we decided to just trust Him.

Things moved fast I guess you could say and about a month later (July 3rd to be exact) I texted a picture to hubs of a stick with 2 blue lines.  He was beyond excited!  It was cute really.  I was excited as well but there was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind.  I figured it was just jitters.  I mean it had been seven years since I had done this baby thing.  So we started to tell a few people our happy news!

Our trip to Colorado in July.

We went on a trip and a few days after we returned I had my first doctor's appointment.  We went in for the ultra sound and all the technician was able to see was a fetal sac.  The doctor explained to us that it could just be too early to see a heart beat and asked us to return in a week. 

As I look back, I don't know why this didn't concern us, but it didn't.  We just knew everything was fine.  We even sent a text to our family announcing the news.  In hind sight...not sure this was a great idea.

At our next appointment, when we still saw no heart beat, reality set in that there was a problem.  To sum up the next few weeks, it was a roller bcoaster of hope and dissapointment.  Next was blood work and more blood work and another appointment.  We asked family and friends to pray and we were just doing our very best not to worry and to trust God.  After a third ultrasound showed only a fetal sac still at the six week development stage we knew our little guy never got a chance to even form. 

The diagnosis was a blighted ovum. There was never an embryo, never a heart beat.  We believe completely that life begins at conception and although I don't understand everything I know that there was life in my womb.  A life that brought great excitement for those few weeks and a life, when realized that it had ended, brought much grief. 

We were heart broken.  There was a lot of crying, a lot of praying.  We didn't understand why God said no but we did trust Him.  That never changed.  You see, when you walk a while with God by your side, you get to know Him, you develop a relationship with Him.  And there is this deep rooted knowing inside that whatever happens is truly for good. (Romans 8:28)  We don't have to understand the why or how or when.  We just know that God's love will sustain us and his mercies are new everyday.

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”

                                               Lamentations 3:22-24 (NKJV)

The next month was really hard and long.  We decided to let nature take its' course instead of having any medical procedures done.  It took a while and during the whole process I grieved, hard.  I went through a vast array of emotions.  I was angry, hurt and broken. 

I was a little bit of a mess for a few days.  He never left.  God's love was so very present.  His unexplainable peace was palpable.  (Philippians 4:7)   Peace that allowed me to not need all the answers.  To know that it's ok to be sad and grieve, but also to know that healing will come.  

Beauty does come from ashes.

I had been here before.  Several years ago, before our oldest was born, I miscarried my first pregnancy at 12 weeks.  I was devastated.  It was as hard then as now.  But what I learned and how my faith was strengthened was very different.  I think that with each trial, each experience in this life, God is teaching us, growing us to maturity in Him.  This is how a trial is a blessing.  Sometimes the things learned are so deeply personal that putting it into words is hard. 

With that first miscarriage I experienced the deep healing of God's hand.  I've taken this with me through many hard times since then.  Turning to God for healing instead of letting the hurt grow, get ugly and causing bitterness. 

But this time my faith grew immensely.  This gift of grace from God is a deep knowing that God is sovereign, that He's in control completely and I can rest in that, trust in that.  He sees the whole picture.  He knows what's coming and what needs to take place.  He's the potter.  We are His clay. 

The forming doesn't stop until God says our time here on earth is finished.  There's always a new challenge around the corner, a new opportunity for spiritual growth.  Little did I know our next opportunity was closer that we thought.

Part 2 coming soon...

Broken to Beautiful: An Intro

Hi.  I'm back.  It's been a long time.  I stopped writing and went missing before I even got a chance to get this blogging thing going good.  Let's see... Spring Break happened then Easter and our boys' birthdays and all of our Summer fun times.  A lot of good blogging material I'm thinking. :)



Spring Break.  It was cold!  Brrr...

I'll be honest.  After my last post back in March, I knew what I wanted to write about next.  I knew God was leading me to write a piece of my story.  A piece that is hard for me to share and I froze.  Fear is the culprit.  Ugly fear.  You see I'm really a pretty private person most of the time.  I wasn't sure how much of myself I wanted to put out there into the wide open space of the internet.  How vulnerable was I willing to be?  How much of my mess was I willing to let everyone see?

But this is the thing.  God wants to use the hard parts of this journey, our struggles and pain, to encourage others.  To let others know they aren't alone and they can make it through.  I know I've been blessed and encouraged by women sharing their hearts through blog posts countless times.  And if I can do that for just one person, then the letting down of my guard and being vulnerable is worth it.  So my prayer is that God will guide every word I type and He will receive all the glory. 

Because really it's His story anyway and I'm amazed at how well He writes it.

Stayed tuned for part 1...



Easter

The Mystery Revealed

I was lost. I was in sin.

You called my name; pulled me in.

Into your presence. Into Grace. 

A point in time. A decision was made.

I prayed, mercy and forgiveness, please give to me.

You answered and gave it abundantly.

 

The forgiveness, it was always there.

Waiting for me to surrender. My life laid bare.

You died on a cross.  A perfect sacrifice you made.

Taking on my sins along with the shame.

 

Because of your love, now I can live.

And from Your heart freely give.

I've been given the gift of forever.

No longer separated from my creator.

Hallelujah, my fate is sealed.

Christ in me, the hope of glory.  The mystery revealed.

The gift of salvation is free. You can't earn it and neither could I. No matter your past. There's no sin too horrific or no actions too unforgivable. God will forgive if we ask with a repentant heart. He will meet us in the deepest , darkest dungeon of our sin. He offers freedom instead of chains. Peace instead of turmoil. Love instead of rejection. Joy instead of sorrow. Make a decision to surrender your life to God. Make a decision to belong to Him but free from sin. You will never regret it!

From My Playlist: How Deep the Father's Love

This is one of those songs that ministers to me every time I hear it or sing it.  The lyrics are just so rich.  It has a hymn feel and if asked when it was written, I would have guessed the 1800s.  However, I found out just this past weekend that is was written in my generation, 1995 to be exact!  I think that's pretty awesome.

 It was written by Stuart Townend but the video below is a Skillet cover.  Enjoy and let the truth of these words wash over you today.

Heritage

I watched her as she got dressed.  She held deep sorrow in her eyes, yet I saw strength, courage and beauty.  There I stood, a girl just getting started good as a wife; not yet a mother, watching this lady who had lived a life time of joy and sorrow.  This day, like so many others, she was a wife dressing to please the man that she had spent a lifetime with, a life that held many sweet stories. 

“Do you think he would think I look pretty today?” she asked me.

I stumbled for words as the tears stuck in my throat.  “Yes ma’am, I know he would,” was my reply because to me she was beautiful dressed in red.  You see red was his favorite color. 

“Well today I’ll stand by him one last time,” was her soft declaration.

Standing by him was all she knew how to do.  She had done so with joy, pride and love for so many years.  Standing by him, honoring him was like breathing to her.

My Nana stood by my Papa’s casket that night for hours as person after person filed by her, expressing their sympathy.  She chatted with each person, hugging and sharing tears with many, but all the while she stood. With elegance and grace she stood beside her husband one more time.

 

 

This is my heritage.  This is one of many stories I could tell about the women who came before me and the ones who shaped the way I would enter into marriage.  I am blessed with those examples, grandmothers and a mother who have honored their husbands. 

Now I’m not under the illusion that they were perfect or that there marriages were/are perfect.  I know that marriage is made up of two imperfect individuals.  There are times when the honoring is hard and times when it comes easy. 

As my Nana would say, “Sometimes I could pinch his head off!”  We have these times, all of us.  However, it’s the commitment made before God to stand by our husband, honoring him that gets us through the tough seasons.

What a legacy we can leave, if we choose, for the generations that follow…honoring God by honoring our husbands.

Jesus, Friend of Sinners

Repentance.  What a beautiful word.  What a beautiful reality.  The turning away from sin.  The act of  turning away from sinful self (in both heart and mind) and turning to God. 

Jesus came for the sinner.  In Matthew, Mark and Luke Jesus was seen eating with the tax collectors and sinners.  The pharisees could not fathom why he would lower himself to be seen with these filthy sinners. Jesus' response was simple...this is who I came for. 

"I desire mercy and not sacrifice.  For I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance."
Matthew 9:13

In fact He rejoices over the 1 who comes in repentance more so than the 99 who are just and need no repentance.  Luke 15:7

We attended a service a few days ago and we saw this doctrine in action.  As the song Jesus, Friend of Sinners was being sung, Holy Spirit began to draw with sweet conviction.  No one stood and made an alter call.  It was simply the power of God at work in the hearts of men and women.  Several people responded to this drawing and came to the alter in repentance.  It was a beautiful site.

Rod and I didn't know these people.  We had no relationships with any of them.  Yet we sat and sobbed on the back row as we silently prayed.  We saw the love of God in action.  We witnessed the power of the Holy Spirit draw men unto Himself.  We saw ourselves.  Sinners.  Forgiven much.  Loved much. 

From My Playlist

This is a song at the top of my playlist right now.  You know, if you've given your life over to the Lord, if you've accepted by faith His grace and forgiveness, then you are being saved? You are a work in progress.  I am a work in progress.  The bible calls those who are followers of Christ those "being saved".  Check it out here and here.  I love this because I'm such a mess, but I know that God is working on me everyday.  He's not gonna quit working on me or you until the day we close our eyes in death.   We are a beautiful work in progress.  Not because we are anything special or because we deserve it, but because of His love.  He indeed makes beautiful things out of us. 

Be blessed!  ~Herrika

All Things Work Together for Good

How would I fully appreciate the warmth of the sun without the cold dreary days?  How would I fully understand the grandeur of the mountain top view if I had only ever been on the top?  How could I fully see the vastness of the sea if I had never been on dry land?  How could I fully know joy without never experiencing sorrow?

We would probably never choose the dreary days or the valleys or the dry land and especially not the sorrow.  But we grow.  We are strengthened.  Our faith is tested and comes out stronger.  And then we realize God never left us...never.

As Christians, we were never promised the absence of sorrow or trials.  But we are promised hope, peace through it and grace to endure.  We are promised the presence of our Father God in it all.  We can know that it will work for our good and for His glory.

image credit

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

All things for those who
1.  love God
2.  are the called according to His purpose