I'm opening up a little and sharing a very hard piece of my story. Want to join me? Read the intro here. And part 1 here.
My doctor told us we could try again to have a baby if we wanted. He didn't see any reason that we wouldn't have a successful pregnancy. So after some prayer, we decided to try again with renewed hope.
Once again, really soon, I had the positive pregnancy test. But, this time things were different. We wanted to be excited, but it was just too natural to protect our hearts and not let ourselves get too excited. We hardly told anyone, but the few we did tell were praying with us.
It was almost three weeks from the time I found out I was pregnant until I went to the doctor. Those three weeks were a constant battle of my mind. I tried to trust God and not worry. I tried to just live life as if I wasn't pregnant at all (protecting my heart again). I worked at appearing normal to everyone around me. All the while, I couldn't help myself, I got excited and started day dreaming about this new little person. I thought about what he or she would look like and the smells and the little baby stretches (don't you just love those). I even talked to this person I was dreaming of. Of course I was alone and no one knew this but me. I can't believe I'm confessing it now. :)
The day of my appointment came and I sat in the ultrasound room waiting with Rod by my side. I'm not sure about him but every emotion imaginable was going on in me. I was scared and nervous but there was hope and excitement. I lay there and the technician began the process of searching for life. My eyes were glued to the screen, searching for some little semblance of a heart beat, anything. After several minutes of silence passed and I saw no tiny heart beating, I knew. This was a repeat of last time. I put my brave face on and decided right then that I was going to be strong.
The technician doesn't really tell you much so we had to wait to see my doctor. We waited. Me with my brave exterior. Rod with his sad somber face and eyes of concern that kept looking at me. He knew it was coming even though I thought I was fine.
The doctor came in and started talking. I can't remember what he said exactly, I think it was something about our boys, but the flood gates opened and I lost it. I couldn't have stopped if I wanted to and believe me I wanted to. So much for my brave face.
It was another blighted ovum. Another life halted before it even began. But God knew. He was never surprised by any of it.
It was November and I was doing 30 days of thankful on facebook. As I look back I know God lead me to do this because being thankful for His blessings was my focus over the next month. Being thankful was my lifeline that eventually helped bring healing. 1 Thessalonians 5:18
But on this day, we left the doctor and I sat in the car with tears streaming down my face and typed this on facebook:
Day15: I'm thankful that my Father God will never leave me, He will go with me to the end. He knows the plans He has for me and His way is best. Even when it's hard and doesn't make sense I can trust His love, goodness and sovereignty. #30daysofthankful
As I said...lifeline. He was and is the one who sustains me and He is always with us. How amazing is that?!!
The next several weeks were pretty much a repeat of the first time, but as Thanksgiving approached I continued to focus on my blessings. The timing of the season was no coincidence.
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| Thanksgiving Day 2013 Roddy had to go to Mississippi with his dad to help clean out his grandpa's house. We were missing him but happy to have each other and our family. |
But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners,
Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
That's enough. In fact, it's more than enough...it's everything! I encourage you to read the whole chapter of Romans 5. So good!
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| My babies, November 2013. Go Noles! |
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| Us for a short getaway, early December 2013 |
I learn more with each hard thing life brings my way that the pain, the hurt, it has a bigger purpose than just being hard. God will always use it in some way when you are a believer allowing Holy
Spirit to guide you. The trial changes you. Makes us more like Him. A little at a time.
Sometimes God lets us understand some of that purpose and we get to see how all the pieces start to fit together. I am seeing a little bit of that one day at a time.
Join me soon for part 3...
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