Broken to Beautiful: Part 3

It's been a while.  I was procrastinating again because it's hard.  But I need to finish this part of my story.  I need to get it all out to give God all the glory.  Join me?  Read the intro here, part 1 here and part 2 here.  Be Blessed!

Christmas 2013

It probably started about 2.5 years ago.  The gentle urging in our spirits.  The whisper from the Lord asking us to change, to step away from the familiar and the known.  What he was asking was something so difficult for the both of us, that we ignored it for a while.  When ignoring was no longer possible, we prayed.  We prayed for two years and then prayed some more. 

You see, this was one of those changes that we didn't want to get wrong.  We wanted to know that it was God's will for us.  After much prayer, many conversations and even more tears we finally said yes.  It was the hardest yes I've ever had to say to God and as a wife to my husband.

In January, we made the decision to leave our home church of about 20 years.  To say this was home is a gross understatement.  Rod and I met at this church when we were only youth, participating in youth mission trips and doing drama together.  We married there.  We had our babies while there and it was the only church they knew.  We've shared so many memories and made so many dear friends.  Friends that will forever be family.  A lot of our blood family attends and my dad is the Pastor.  It was home.  Leaving was one of the hardest, if not the hardest, things I've ever done.

Home is familiar and safe.  Home is where everyone knows you.  They've seen some of your good and some of your bad and they still love you.  Home is security and stepping away from that is scary.

There was also another very personal inner struggle I had going on inside of  me.  We had been the Worship Leaders for about 13 years.  That's pretty much our whole marriage.  Letting this go was extremely difficult for me.  I love to sing.  Leading others in worshiping our wonderful God is my passion.  But, He is my biggest passion and to obey Him I had to let this title go.

I couldn't let "worship leader" define me.  Because really what God has placed in front of us as a way to serve Him could change at any time.  Just because the way we serve changes, it doesn't change who we serve.  He is the same.  It's His love and saving grace that defines who I am.

So , I gave this to God and if He wanted me to lead worship again, I would and if not I would learn to rest in that.  Has it been easy?  No way.  But the bottom line is I trust God.  Period.

It's almost been eight months since we stepped out into the unknown and God has been faithful.  God has lead us to a new church home with loving and awesome people.  A place where we are growing and being challenged in our walks with God.  Rod is playing guitar and I am singing with the worship team.  Our boys are thriving and growing in their relationships with God. Roddy is also going to seminary school online.

We didn't leave our church because of a disagreement.  We weren't mad or upset with anyone.  We were following the leading of the Lord.  I am only saying this because that is the case with so many.  However, we were heartbroken, kind of like leaving home when I went to college.  I was excited for the next step but I cried myself to sleep that first night away from home.  With time that hurt healed and with time this hurt is healing. 

I praise God for those 20 years and will be forever grateful for those people who poured themselves into me so that I might be able to empty into others. My relationship with God was nurtured and grew.  I was blessed with many relationships that I will cherish forever. 

This was a big step we had to take that lead us to the next big yes for our lives.  In fact I think everything in our lives this far have lead us to this yes.  I will tell you all about it in part 4...

Broken to Beautiful: Part 2

I'm opening up a little and sharing a very hard piece of my story.  Want to join me?  Read the intro here.  And part 1 here.

My doctor told us we could try again to have a baby if we wanted.  He didn't see any reason that we wouldn't have a successful pregnancy.  So after some prayer, we decided to try again with renewed hope.

Once again, really soon, I had the positive pregnancy test.  But, this time things were different.  We wanted to be excited, but it was just too natural to protect our hearts and not let ourselves get too excited.  We hardly told anyone, but the few we did tell were praying with us. 

It was almost three weeks from the time I found out I was pregnant until I went to the doctor.  Those three weeks were a constant battle of my mind.  I tried to trust God and not worry.  I tried to just live life as if I wasn't pregnant at all (protecting my heart again). I worked at appearing normal to everyone around me.  All the while, I couldn't help myself, I got excited and started day dreaming about this new little person.  I thought about what he or she would look like and the smells and the little baby stretches (don't you just love those).  I even talked to this person I was dreaming of.  Of course I was alone and no one knew this but me.  I can't believe I'm confessing it now. :)

The day of my appointment came and I sat in the ultrasound room waiting with Rod by my side.  I'm not sure about him but every emotion imaginable was going on in me.  I was scared and nervous but there was hope and excitement.  I lay there and the technician began the process of searching for life.  My eyes were glued to the screen, searching for some little semblance of a heart beat, anything.  After several minutes of silence passed and I saw no tiny heart beating, I knew.  This was a repeat of last time.  I put my brave face on and decided right then that I was going to be strong. 

The technician doesn't really tell you much so we had to wait to see my doctor.  We waited.  Me with my brave exterior.  Rod with his sad somber face and eyes of concern that kept looking at me.  He knew it was coming even though I thought I was fine. 

The doctor came in and started talking.  I can't remember what he said exactly, I think it was something about our boys, but the flood gates opened and I lost it.  I couldn't have stopped if I wanted to and believe me I wanted to.  So much for my brave face.

It was another blighted ovum.  Another life halted before it even began.  But God knew.  He was never surprised by any of it.

It was November and I was doing 30 days of thankful on facebook.  As I look back I know God lead me to do this because being thankful for His blessings was my focus over the next month.  Being thankful was my lifeline that eventually helped bring healing. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

But on this day, we left the doctor and I sat in the car with tears streaming down my face and typed this on facebook: 

Day15: I'm thankful that my Father God will never leave me, He will go with me to the end. He knows the plans He has for me and His way is best. Even when it's hard and doesn't make sense I can trust His love, goodness and sovereignty. #30daysofthankful

As I said...lifeline.  He was and is the one who sustains me and He is always with us.  How amazing is that?!!

The next several weeks were pretty much a repeat of the first time, but as Thanksgiving approached I continued to focus on my blessings.  The timing of the season was no coincidence. 

Thanksgiving Day 2013
Roddy had to go to Mississippi with his dad to help clean out his grandpa's house.
We were missing him but happy to have each other and our family.

I had, and still have, so many things to be thankful for.  A  husband who loves me and is my best friend, two healthy, beautiful boys and family who is supportive and will walk through the fire, if needed, with me and the list could go on and on.  The truth is we all have things to be thankful for if we look for them.  And even if life is falling apart all around us we have this:

But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners,

Christ died for us.   Romans 5:8

 

That's enough.  In fact, it's more than enough...it's everything! I encourage you to read the whole chapter of Romans 5.  So good!

My babies, November 2013.  Go Noles!

Us for a short getaway, early December 2013

I learn more with each hard thing life brings my way that the pain, the hurt, it has a bigger purpose than just being hard.  God will always use it in some way when you are a believer allowing Holy

Spirit to guide you.  The trial changes you.  Makes us more like Him.  A little at a time. 

 

Sometimes God lets us understand some of that purpose and we get to see how all the pieces start to fit together.  I am seeing a little bit of that one day at a time.

 

Join me soon for part 3...

Hello Monday...A Day Late

I'm saying hello to a new week, a day late and sharing some photos from our trip last week.  Even though it was a work trip for me, we did manage to have some fun along the way. I'm linking with Lisa Leonard.  What are you saying hello to this week?

 

Hello road trip....a very long road trip!  First Stop, St. Louis.

 

 

Hello Cardinals game and two very excited boys.  We had a great time.  Even me and I don't really love baseball.  I just love watching my guys love baseball and getting excited and hi-fiving their daddy.

 

Hello Gateway Arch.

 

 

Hello tiny pod elevators that took us to the top of the arch.  Claustrophobic much? Scary much?  Yes!! 

 

 

Next we headed to Lincoln, Nebraska where I had training for work.  The week was full of exploring and swimming for my guys but work for me.  However, we did have some fun at night and tried a few new restaurants. 

 

Hello our 14th Anniversary! 

 

Hello silly boys climbing on a train.  Where are Carson's shoes?  Who knows.

 

We had a great time and made lots of memories to have forever.  But it was so great to get back to our Florida sunshine and beaches. 

 

Hello first day of school! 

Hello routine.

Hello early bedtimes.

Hello homework.

Hello showers every night.  I had to add that because I think this is the boys' least favorite thing about starting back to school.  They're gross like that.

What I Wore Wednesday....One Dress Styled Two Ways

So remember, What I Wore Wednesday?  It's just a little fashion fun.  Nothing fancy.  It's just me in whatever I came up with to wear that day, my messy closet and my phone. 

 

So this red maxi dress with white sripes came from Ross.  Shocker!  Below are two ways I styled it. Happy Fashion Wednesday!

 

 

 

Here I paired the dress with a navy quarter length top with a cross cut out in the back.  The top came from my sister's and good friend's boutique.  It's no longer open (insert sad face).  The red bubble necklace came from Charming Charlie.  Love Charming Charlie.  If you love jewelry you must check it out. 

 

Next up, I paired the same dress with a mint cardigan.  I love mint.  How about you?  And you can't see it but I had the waterfall braid happening with a ponytail.  Don't you just love the faces I'm making in these photos?  Why the long face when wearing mint green and red?  Cheer up, Me!

 

So try shopping your closet.  You will be surprised at the different combinations you can come up with using the same peice of clothing.  That's it for now.  Catch you later!

Broken to Beautiful : Part 1

This has been one of the hardest years.  There was heart break, changes...hard changes and new beginnings.  It began in the Summer of last year.  Well let me back up a little. Rod and I had been talking about adding on to our family for...well since forever (or at least when "our baby" stopped being a baby).  We always had lots of excuses.  Our kids are older.  We would be starting over.  We need to change insurance.  Can we afford it?  You know the drill.  But last Summer we finally just decided to go for it.  God had put the desire in our hearts and we decided to just trust Him.

Things moved fast I guess you could say and about a month later (July 3rd to be exact) I texted a picture to hubs of a stick with 2 blue lines.  He was beyond excited!  It was cute really.  I was excited as well but there was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind.  I figured it was just jitters.  I mean it had been seven years since I had done this baby thing.  So we started to tell a few people our happy news!

Our trip to Colorado in July.

We went on a trip and a few days after we returned I had my first doctor's appointment.  We went in for the ultra sound and all the technician was able to see was a fetal sac.  The doctor explained to us that it could just be too early to see a heart beat and asked us to return in a week. 

As I look back, I don't know why this didn't concern us, but it didn't.  We just knew everything was fine.  We even sent a text to our family announcing the news.  In hind sight...not sure this was a great idea.

At our next appointment, when we still saw no heart beat, reality set in that there was a problem.  To sum up the next few weeks, it was a roller bcoaster of hope and dissapointment.  Next was blood work and more blood work and another appointment.  We asked family and friends to pray and we were just doing our very best not to worry and to trust God.  After a third ultrasound showed only a fetal sac still at the six week development stage we knew our little guy never got a chance to even form. 

The diagnosis was a blighted ovum. There was never an embryo, never a heart beat.  We believe completely that life begins at conception and although I don't understand everything I know that there was life in my womb.  A life that brought great excitement for those few weeks and a life, when realized that it had ended, brought much grief. 

We were heart broken.  There was a lot of crying, a lot of praying.  We didn't understand why God said no but we did trust Him.  That never changed.  You see, when you walk a while with God by your side, you get to know Him, you develop a relationship with Him.  And there is this deep rooted knowing inside that whatever happens is truly for good. (Romans 8:28)  We don't have to understand the why or how or when.  We just know that God's love will sustain us and his mercies are new everyday.

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”

                                               Lamentations 3:22-24 (NKJV)

The next month was really hard and long.  We decided to let nature take its' course instead of having any medical procedures done.  It took a while and during the whole process I grieved, hard.  I went through a vast array of emotions.  I was angry, hurt and broken. 

I was a little bit of a mess for a few days.  He never left.  God's love was so very present.  His unexplainable peace was palpable.  (Philippians 4:7)   Peace that allowed me to not need all the answers.  To know that it's ok to be sad and grieve, but also to know that healing will come.  

Beauty does come from ashes.

I had been here before.  Several years ago, before our oldest was born, I miscarried my first pregnancy at 12 weeks.  I was devastated.  It was as hard then as now.  But what I learned and how my faith was strengthened was very different.  I think that with each trial, each experience in this life, God is teaching us, growing us to maturity in Him.  This is how a trial is a blessing.  Sometimes the things learned are so deeply personal that putting it into words is hard. 

With that first miscarriage I experienced the deep healing of God's hand.  I've taken this with me through many hard times since then.  Turning to God for healing instead of letting the hurt grow, get ugly and causing bitterness. 

But this time my faith grew immensely.  This gift of grace from God is a deep knowing that God is sovereign, that He's in control completely and I can rest in that, trust in that.  He sees the whole picture.  He knows what's coming and what needs to take place.  He's the potter.  We are His clay. 

The forming doesn't stop until God says our time here on earth is finished.  There's always a new challenge around the corner, a new opportunity for spiritual growth.  Little did I know our next opportunity was closer that we thought.

Part 2 coming soon...

Broken to Beautiful: An Intro

Hi.  I'm back.  It's been a long time.  I stopped writing and went missing before I even got a chance to get this blogging thing going good.  Let's see... Spring Break happened then Easter and our boys' birthdays and all of our Summer fun times.  A lot of good blogging material I'm thinking. :)



Spring Break.  It was cold!  Brrr...

I'll be honest.  After my last post back in March, I knew what I wanted to write about next.  I knew God was leading me to write a piece of my story.  A piece that is hard for me to share and I froze.  Fear is the culprit.  Ugly fear.  You see I'm really a pretty private person most of the time.  I wasn't sure how much of myself I wanted to put out there into the wide open space of the internet.  How vulnerable was I willing to be?  How much of my mess was I willing to let everyone see?

But this is the thing.  God wants to use the hard parts of this journey, our struggles and pain, to encourage others.  To let others know they aren't alone and they can make it through.  I know I've been blessed and encouraged by women sharing their hearts through blog posts countless times.  And if I can do that for just one person, then the letting down of my guard and being vulnerable is worth it.  So my prayer is that God will guide every word I type and He will receive all the glory. 

Because really it's His story anyway and I'm amazed at how well He writes it.

Stayed tuned for part 1...



Easter

Happy First Day of Spring

Today is the first day of Spring.  What a great time of year!  A time of refreshing and new life.  A time to shake the dust off of flip flops and bring out those shorts.  A time of looking forward to the Summer and fun times ahead.

Beach times.  No school times.  Family trip times.  Low key times.

How fitting is it that I feel a little bit of Spring in my own life; my own heart.  I am starting to see a little of what might be coming our way.  We've had a long season of trimming back the vines, so to speak, and I'm looking forward with renewed hope as the blossoms began to peak out.  Although I'm not quite sure what fruit may grow, it is with expectation that I see these blooms and I can look forward.

God has made his presence so real lately by helping me to see his timing in everything.  This timing has been amazing.  This sequence of events, that I really had no control over, have all been a part of His plan. 

There have been some changes.  Changes that have felt like loss, but I know we will see the gain.  God had opened a door for us that would not have even been a consideration without these changes.  God has changed our minds.  He's changed our hearts.  He has made it all work together to point to His will.  I'm in awe!

I'm sorry to be a bit vague, but I'm not yet ready to share details with the world.  Just know that God has your steps ordered if you are called by Him and surrendered to His will.  He will bring the Spring but sometimes you have to walk through the bitter winter to get to it. 

Happy Spring with the promise of Summer right around the corner!

Expectation on little boy faces at an FSU baseball game!